| Subject: |
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Re: just reaching out... |
| Name: |
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Debbie |
| Date Posted: |
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Sep 6, 04 - 10:12 AM |
| Email: |
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tigtink@comcast.net |
| Message: |
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Dear Julia,
It's a funny thing--I stopped checking in here because no one was posting, and I hadn't been here in a couple of weeks. But something compelled me to come this morning, and there was your post. I'm so glad you decided to write here again. I was wondering how you were doing.
I can hear the pain in your words. You finally found someone with whom you feel safe, you found the extraordinary courage to follow your heart and allow yourself to love a woman instead of staying on the safe path you were on with your boyfriend, and now things are not working the way you hoped they would. You are again questioning yourself and feeling as if the one you love is asking things from you that you are not able to give. It has to hurt very much.
One thing my therapist always did for me when I was most discouraged and frustrated and down on myself was remind me of the things I was doing RIGHT, even when it felt like everything was all wrong. From my perspective, from what you have shared over the past few months, I can see a lot of things you have done that are not only right, they are enormously courageous. You began facing the pain of what your father did to you by finding a therapist and allowing yourself to talk to her and begin learning about trust. Many, many women who have been abused never move past denial and find the strength to begin the journey towards healing themselves. Starting therapy was, for me, the hardest and most frightening thing I ever did. At the same time, you began listening to a voice inside of you that was telling you that maybe, just maybe, you could open yourself to real love. You took a chance and let yourself feel the very real emotions stirred within you by the new relationship you discovered. You reached out here for support during a very difficult and confusing time. And you came back here today. If only I could convey to you in words how brave you are and how many huge steps you've already made in comparison to many other survivors I've met who are much older than you are. Please do not sell yourself short or feel like you have failed. You are still so very young with so much life ahead of you.
Please consider the possibility that your girlfriend may be struggling with issues of her own and that she, too, might need to work out some things within herself before she is ready for a relationship. A person who is emotionally mature and secure in their own identity does not expect the person they love to suddenly overcome years of abuse, nor do they suggest that the effects of that abuse are irreparable. And someone comfortable with their own sexuality does not demand their partner be more "passionate" and "seducing" while they are actively dealing with abuse issues. This does not mean that the love you share is not real, nor does it mean you are not deserving of her love.
No matter what happens with your current relationship, you are a person of deep emotion who is worthy of love and tenderness--and very much capable of giving love and tenderness in return. Few of us stumble onto a truly healthy loving relationship the first time, especially during the early years of recovering from abuse. I was in a relationship with another woman survivor before I met Blaze, and at some point we realized neither of us was ready for the kind of love we hoped we had found in each other. When the time was right, someone very special did come along, and all the passion and love inside of me I had once feared had been "killed" by the abuse began to unfold in a way I never dreamed was possible. It will happen for you too. It may take time and a lot of hard work, but it will happen. You are too strong and determined and caring and alive inside for it not to happen.
I'll be sending you lots of love and support. Please keep in touch this time. I've missed hearing from you. Denice and I still meet online in Mirrors every Wednesday night. We'd love to have you join us sometime.
Lots of Love,
Debbie |
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